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Domine Miserere

~ Lord, have mercy…

Domine Miserere

Monthly Archives: January 2014

… but I need it!

13 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Janean Tinsley in Acceptance, faith

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

contentment, God, happiness

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I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)

“I wish I were thinner.”
“I want a new car.”
“I need a vacation.”

We’ve all done it. We’ve wished, wanted and desired things or situations that we were certain would make our lives better. Most likely, that wouldn’t happen but our struggle with being unhappy clouded the sound judgement that we were drowning in a sea of discontentment. Goodness, I’ve been there for sure! Wanting more. Thinking I needed more. I even tried to bargain with God to get more. But in the end, even when I ended up with what I thought I wanted, I was still supremely discontent and unhappy.

Why?

Because I was seeking something to fill the void that could only be filled with God.

You might be reading this and thinking to yourself, “yeah, sure, that sounds great and all but you don’t know what it’s like to really be in need.” Actually, I do. I’ve been there. I’m there NOW! I’m not talking about the kind of need that says you have to cut back to one new outfit a week. I’m talking about the kind of need that says, “if we aren’t careful, in a couple of months we will have a hard time getting food to eat.” That’s some serious need!

The fact is, any one of us could probably argue that those needs, and even some wants, could lead us to happiness. Unfortunately, that argument will always be lost because things don’t make people happy. We have to find happiness within us in spite of whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

So, where to find our happiness?

It took me a while to figure this one out. For so long, I stayed in this perpetual funk. One lousy situation after another seemed to confirm that happiness was entirely out of my reach. There were definitely days that getting out of bed was not my first choice. Instead, I would come up with about 10 reasons why I should just bury my head under my blankets and skip the day altogether. Unfortunately, if I did that, I would have missed out on blessings that God was giving me. When I stopped focusing so much on what I wanted, and focused on what God wanted to do in and through me, something amazing happened. I was content. And happy.

In fact, happiness is an external indication of internal contentment.

Talk about a slap in the face! I had been wishing, wanting and coveting things that were supposed to bring happiness for so long and it always seemed to be out of reach. And yet, happiness was there all the time; I just chose to not accept it. It took me a bit to fully embrace that, primarily because I didn’t want to accept that I was the cause of all my pain and misery. No one likes to face that reality. Sure, I could easily blame others but the bottom line is that I allowed situations to define my emotions. I allowed others to infect my heart and I did it willingly, it seemed.

Once I realized that God had already given me all I needed, I learned how to embrace life exactly as it was. Don’t get me wrong, I have cried many a tear. I have tossed and turned more nights then I can count. And I have gone through several containers of concealer trying to cover up those dark circles but I’m not unhappy anymore. I am relatively content. There is still a sliver of concern about the immediate future. But I can admit it and acknowledge that the worry I am experiencing is my human weakness. I don’t like it and I pray to God to take it away. You see, God wants me to place all my worries in His hands so that my internal contentment will shine through as external happiness. He has great plans for me and if I spend too much time on my own lists of things I want, wish for and desire, I will miss out on His perfect plan for my life. I don’t know about you but I think it’s pretty exciting that God would take the time plan out my life. Guess what? He did the same thing for you!

When Paul wrote his letter to the Philippians, he spoke about being content in our lives. I can relate so intimately to this scripture because I have lived it. I am living it. My reality is not what I had planned for my life. I can assure you that! I am an educated, disciplined woman and yet my family’s everyday struggles can be overwhelming at times. My husband and I laugh just so we won’t cry. But spending the energy to push against our reality is fruitless. All that does is cause more pain, heartache and hopelessness. When that happens, Satan wins.

What if we learned to embrace our reality?

I know for me it was like I could breathe for the first time. It isn’t easy to let go of this false sense of security we call control. But truly accepting my reality allowed me to hear God’s voice in the midst of the chaos. I had been drowning Him out because I was so certain I knew what was best. But when we learn to be content in our present, God will indeed give us strength for our future.

I am pretty certain that my turbulence is not over with just yet. And I bet a few more tears fall. But I am able to place a genuine smile on my face and allow my external happiness to shine because my internal contentment is firmly in place. I still get disappointments and fears. Being without a job is a scary place to be. But God continues to provide for me and my family as long as I continue to give Him all the glory, even through gritted teeth. I may not like the lot I’m in but I love the One who is by my side.

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It’s A Long Story…

10 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by Janean Tinsley in faith, Perseverance

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

faith, God, prayer

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Holy God, I know YOU are the God hope. Yet, in this moment I do not feel filled with the joy and peace YOU offer to me. In this moment hope is distant in my heart. Right now, Holy God, I cry out and acknowledge that I need YOU. I need YOUR hope in my heart and I need YOUR filling. Please help me to do my part to trust YOU. Help me to trust YOU to give me the hope and the joy and the peace that your Holy Spirit brings. Increase my faith so that I can trust YOU fully with all the question marks in my life. FIll me by the power of YOUR Holy Spirit now. I don’t want to just survive or just get by… I want to overflow! YOUR Holy Spirit is the only one who has the power to pour the peace and joy YOU offer into my weary soul. I trust YOU today with all the circumstances of my life. Thank you that I can come to YOU, my God of Hope! Thank you that YOU offer peace to my heart. It is YOUR gift to me and I desperately need it.

Life is filled with so many distractions and disappointments that often rob me of that peace. Your word says that YOU will keep my heart in peace as I trust in YOU for strength and discernment and wisdom in every area of my life. Active, conscious trusting keeps my thoughts focused on YOU. Thank you that YOUR peace will be the result! Holy God, please help me today to focus on YOU in all the details of my life, inviting YOU into each circumstance, conversation and activity. Grow my trust in YOU. Keep me today in YOUR perfect peace for I have very little of my own. In YOU I place my trust today! Amen.

That prayer was written by a dear friend of mine, Deb Webb. She wrote it several months ago and I have it hanging on my wall. I haven’t read it in awhile but today it caught my eye. As I read it, I realized that I was breathing every single word of that prayer. My shoulders dropped and my eyes filled up – I had allowed life to rob me of God’s joy and peace. How in the world had this happened?

If you haven’t been following my posts on Facebook, allow me to fill you in. 2013 was a pretty rotten year. 2012 wasn’t great either but 2013 was one for the record books. My husband lost his medical license for an undetermined amount of time. This led to him closing his practice. I took a job at a mental health facility that turned out to be less then ideal but another business wooed me away. Unfortunately, my salary as a counselor could not sustain us in our former lifestyle. We ended up losing our home, our two cars, other possessions and downsized to a historic rental home. Luckily the owners of the home are friends of ours so they made the transition much smoother then it could have been. My husband was not able to find a full-time job because no one would hire a doctor – over qualified was the common response. Things became tighter and tighter. In December, he became very sick. It started as the flu then into pneumonia. Finally he was admitted to the hospital where he almost died and ended up spending 17 days – 15 in the ICU! When you end up friending your nurses on Facebook, you know you have been there too long. (As a side note – the Lourdes Hospital ICU nurses and other staff are priceless). After finally getting well enough to come home (on oxygen), I find out that I’m losing my job…. in two days! That is definitely the cliff note version but you get the point. It was a rotten year. This year has not started much better. All of this leads me back to that prayer. I have lost the joy and peace that God has given me. I think it’s time that I find it.

Today, I began packing up my office. I realized that I really hate boxes. I used to love boxes because that meant that I was moving. Moving represented new opportunities. New surroundings. Excitement. But now all that is gone. Now, boxes represent another chapter that has closed. I don’t want to close anymore chapters in my life. Not right now. I want to continue in my story with a dull, boring storyline about nothing at all. But instead, I’m packing yet again. Only this time I have no idea where I’m moving to. Yes, I hate boxes. Now, if I were wearing the mask that I used to wear, I would be saying something about God opening an even better door and not looking back..blah blah blah. But I took that mask off two years ago and will not put it back on. I’m sad. Period.

So many people over the past month in particular have reached out to me regarding my posts on Facebook. I have had people I do not even know contact me to offer me words of prayer and love. They have prayed for my husband and his health. They have prayed for his career to be returned to him. They have prayed for strength for all of us. I’m quite certain that those prayers are what carry us both through each and every day. We have a son who is beyond amazing. As many changes as that child has experienced, he never complains or acts out. He just shows compassion and love. He’s kind of amazing, like I said. For him, I am determined to show little sadness. But in the stillness of the night, as I sit here listening to the rhythm of my husband’s breathing, I allow myself to feel all the emotions that are lurking inside. I feel every question mark in my life and the lack of answers can be suffocating. So now I turn to this prayer. I turn to the words that so accurately address all that I am feeling. I realize that if I’m feeling it, God is too. I tell my clients that tears are God’s salve. I really do believe that. So I allow them to fall and hopefully pour some peace into my weary soul. I know that God has not caused any of the heartache we have felt. He doesn’t hurt us or punish us. But He does allow us to experience pain so that we will fully acknowledge the He alone can heal that pain. Honestly, I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. I know it will be difficult as I say good-bye to folks I genuinely love and adore. But I will hold up my head as I close that chapter and wait anxiously for the next adventure in this crazy story called “My Life.”

…Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, “ God has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”? Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. (Isaiah 40:27-31 MSG).

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