Category Archives: Confidence

The Foolishness of Preaching

25 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Acceptance, apologetics, Apostle Paul, Confidence, depression, faith, Jesus Christ, Kingdom of God, mental health, Uncharted2020

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Preaching in Tanzania!

Do you feel like you’re not quite in sync with the world? Perhaps it’s just me but I feel like I’m marching to a different beat then the rest of the world. Things just aren’t quite right. Maybe it’s Covid-19 that’s causing us to feel like we are walking on a fine line. Maybe it’s the division within the country. It could be any number of things but the truth of the matter is that the world feels a bit more tilted than ever before and it’s throwing everything off balance.

If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you know I am a minister as well as a therapist. In February of this year, I left the local church and went full-time into private practice. Of course, at that time I had no idea what 2020 would bring to our lives. Due to the isolation, uncertainty, fear, and seeming hopelessness all around us, I have a very busy practice. I enjoy what I do and believe that for the most part I am helping people. For that, I am so very grateful to God for making the doors open for First Step Counseling.

Unfortunately, even with the success of the business and the love I have for each of my clients, I feel very empty inside.

Well, maybe empty isn’t the right word. Empty implies nothing. In actuality, I feel so much that it’s overwhelming. I fluctuate between sadness, anger, frustration, determination, loneliness, isolation. If it’s a feeling, I’ve likely felt it in the past nine months. Regardless of which emotion I’m experiencing there is always one constant — lost.

Some may ask, “How can you be lost if you have true faith?” It’s a fair question. I used to believe the same thing. But I have discovered that God doesn’t shy away from doubt or confusion. In fact, the Bible is full of people with doubts. Look at the disciples. They spent three years following Jesus, being taught by him, sharing meals with him, and being challenged by him. And still, he washed their feet even when they questioned. John the Baptist encountered the Holy Spirit in his mother’s womb. He heard the very voice of God Almighty proclaim Jesus as His son upon his baptism. And still, he asked, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?”

I am not asking if Jesus is the one. I know he is. My feelings of being lost, of doubt, of uncertainty stem from not knowing where I’m supposed to be.

“The Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should earn their living by the gospel.” If this is true (and I believe it is), all of the money in the world isn’t an earned living if I haven’t been earning my living by the very gospel itself. Now, I am using all I can within my therapy sessions with clients to point people to Jesus Christ and share the Kingdom of God. But it’s not enough. Jesus died for me. My part is quite simple. Serve as I’ve been called to serve.

“For it would be better for me to die than for anyone to deprive me of my boast! For if I preach the gospel, I have no reason to boast, because I am compelled to preach—and woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!” (1 Cor 9:15-16)

Did you happen to catch what Paul said here? He says that he had a need to preach the gospel. He is saying, “I’ve got to preach this. And if I don’t, I’d just as well give up.” His believed that his responsibility to preach the gospel was so great that his next breath depended upon it.

You see, a true minister of God feels a compulsion to preach the gospel. On the flipside, he or she feels a certain doom if they do not. He or she feels as though, if they tried anything else, it would be useless. And that is where the emptiness comes from that is not being filled because the ministry of Jesus Christ is a calling. To a true minister of God, it is not just a job, but a vocation that compels you forward because the truth must be preached. Quite frankly, the knowledge of the scriptures simply cannot be kept to one’s self. Withholding the Truth of God’s way is absolutely useless to anybody else; it cannot help anybody take even one step along the road to the Kingdom of God. This is why God gives ministers mouths to speak and passion to go forth.

Paul calls it “the foolishness of preaching”, but God accomplishes a great deal through it. The serious, devoted servant of Jesus Christ must do it. They just must! That’s how you know when a person walks away from ministry of their own doing, it is likely they were never really called by God. Unless God has released them from their calling, their compulsion never ends. And if the servant has not preached the truth in a long while, a “pressure” builds up after a time, and if it is not released, it explodes. The truth must be passed on because a compulsion from God Himself drives a true minister to speak the truth.

And that is where I find myself, full of pressure of the Truth that I know and cannot share. I feel as if I’m getting ready to explode. I am attending a great church full of God-fearing people and Biblically sound teachings. And yet, I can’t call it home. And I WANT to! I just know it’s not where I’m supposed to be and I am a bit angry about that. Why can’t I just serve there? Why can’t I find rest in the seats within the sanctuary? Why? Because God didn’t call me to sit on the sidelines, keeping the Truth to myself.

Unfortunately, Satan really did a number on me. I have lost some of my courage and have lost most of my friends. After the UMC cancelled me this year, I shook my fist at God several times. It wasn’t fair. I was doing what He called me to do. I was standing up to the lies within the world. I was ensuring that the words I shared from the pulpit were God’s words. And lives were being changed because of the Holy Spirit’s presence.

Y’all, I have genuinely tried to let go of the pain that the UMC has caused me and my family. It’s very hard, though. I see the way Satan is garnering more and more hold within the American churches. I see sins being glorified while Truth is erased. I grieve for the ones in the pews blindly following the false prophets. My heart breaks for the church folks who think Jesus’s entire reason for coming was to love … but without consequences. And I cry for those who genuinely feel led to serve but are pushed into serving the social justice agenda rather than the growing the Kingdom of God.

A couple of Sundays ago when we left church, I fought back tears. It was such a great sermon and the worship was deeply moving. But I felt like I was on the outside looking in, pushing God further away. Shame, guilt, sadness, and… anger just came over me. “I have failed you, God, because I have not used the spiritual gifts you have given me.” And the response… silence.

“You did not choose me, but I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit and that your fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you.” (John 15:16)

So, here I am, asking God what is next. Where am I supposed to go? Is it across town or around the world? Where is my courage, God? How do I garner the strength I found in you when I feel so weak? How do I erase the memories of the past year so that I can trust your people with my heart once again?

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do but I am certain that doing nothing is not the answer. I pray that this profound sense of emptiness … of feeling lost … will be replaced with the fruit of the spirit. For only then will I know that I am all God wants me to be and that the fruit he produces through me will truly be born again.

What If It’s True?

13 Monday Apr 2020

Posted by in Confidence, faith, Jesus Christ, Resurrection, Uncategorized

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For six years I have stood in a pulpit on Easter Sunday and proclaimed the good news that Jesus Christ is the Messiah, the Resurrection, the Son of God. It’s been a very different Holy Week for a variety of reasons. But the most difficult part was knowing I would not be sharing the Word of God.

My beautiful family changed that.

My sister-in-law suggested we have a service on Zoom because we are all spread out across two states. I couldn’t have been more excited and honored to share the joy of the Resurrection with my family.

This is not a fancy service. It’s just us on our couch (with our cats running around). No fancy clothes. No make-up. Not a good hair day. But oh how my heart is full because God used me once again!

So… what if the resurrection is true? What if?

*Sermon illustrations from Rev. Brett Blair

“I’mperfect”

04 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Acceptance, Confidence, Jesus Christ, Uncategorized

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Recently IMG_4067a girlfriend made an off the cuff statement that just won’t leave my mind. We were talking about our husbands and she said that her husband had hugged her that morning and said, “I just love you so much.” She replied, “there is no way you can love someone this fat.” We all giggled and nodded our understanding. But quite honestly, I felt a pain rush through me unlike anything I have felt in a long while.

I stewed on it for a while. What was it about that statement that was making me uncomfortable. I could completely relate to her statement because I’ve said the very same thing to my husband. And honestly believed it.

The past couple of nights I’ve actually had tossed and turned a bit because I kept thinking about it. I mean, it’s not like many of us don’t think it. Wait. That’s it. We think it but don’t usually say it. We equate our physical appearance – our IMperfections with the worthiness of love.

There is not a single day that I go through where I am not constantly reminded that thinner is better. Or that more youthful skin is the key to happiness. Facebook is over run with weight loss programs, younger skin treatments, before and after pictures and “thinspiration.” Television ads for national weight loss programs are on at least once an hour, if not more. Magazines show airbrushed pictures, the newest night creams, and the latest weight loss fad. And none of those things even begin to touch the intimate conversations between friends about our consistent weight struggles or fears of growing older. Now before folks get upset with me, let me clarify right now that I am not against healthy living. I do believe 1 Corinthians 6:19 – it states that the body is a temple in which the Holy Spirit dwells. Verse 20 goes on to say, “For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” For that reason, I believe it is our obligation to take care of the body which we have been given by God. So for anyone reading this who is currently living a healthy lifestyle, I applaud you for the hard work as long as that work is not because of self-loathing and a desire to be loved.

My point is that we have allowed ourselves to measure our worth on the number of the scale reading. That’s what hurts me. I am so ashamed that I have said to my husband that he can’t possibly love me because of my outward appearance. The truth is, I don’t fully love me because of my outward appearance so I place that “truth” on him and…ultimately, on my heavenly Father.

As a minister, I preach on God’s love every week in one form or another. I encourage others to look beyond themselves and their brokenness in order to see a perfect love that has been offered to them through Jesus Christ. I speak on redemption and grace. I offer scripture after scripture proving the love that is so abundantly available to them. And yet, I carry this dark secret that says none of that applies to me.

Yesterday, a precious young girl gave our scripture reading. She is beautiful in every way. I thought of Psalm 139:14 “I praise you, for a I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” And when I looked I her, I just wanted to protect her from all the junk of society. I want her to always feel free and beautiful, not because of a societal definition but because she is made in His image!

A couple of years ago I read a book called God Loves Ugly. It’s a powerful book by Christa Black. She writes about her struggles with physical acceptance and how it overshadowed any possibility of spiritual acceptance. We are just so tied to this idea of physical appearance equates to lovability. But not God. 1 Samuel 16:7b “God doesn’t look at things like humans do. Humans see only what is visible to the eyes, but the Lord sees into the heart.”

You see the depths of my heart and love me anyway.

We work so hard with loving others through kindness, support, grace, forgiveness. But we work equally as hard at not loving ourselves. We chastise our friends when they put themselves down but we put on a badge of honor at disrespecting ourselves. What we are actually doing is telling God, “you must have gotten it all wrong when you created me.” In no scenario is that true and yet we accept that “truth” every single day.

I often think about how God sees me. Obviously, according to 1 Samuel, He does not see me in the way I see me. How much does it hurt Him when I say things that are hurtful about me? Or when you say things that are hurtful about you? He focuses on my heart not on my hair style or my waist circumference. While we can pick out the things about us that we are not – “I’m not thin enough. I’m not tall enough. I’m not petite enough. I’m not cute enough. I’m not __________ enough. I’m not perfect.” God sees what I am – “I am a child of God. I am made in His image. I am loved so much that He gave His only son for me. I’m perfect.”

I have dedicated my life to serving God through serving others. He has called me to speak His truth to make disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world. Mark 12:29-31 says it like this: Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Love your neighbor as yourself. Ouch.

I cannot possibly fulfill my calling to love others if I do not love myself. Just realizing the full impact of my failure takes my very breath away. Forgive me, O Lord, for not seeing your image rather than my own. Forgive me for seeing myself as imperfect rather than saying I’m perfect.

My new truth comes from the International Children’s Bible version of Psalm 139:14 – “I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.”

I Am Willing.

24 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Confidence, faith, Jesus Christ, Pain

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And a leper came to Jesus, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.” Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” Mark 1:40-41 (NASB)

It was the third day of a week-long conference and I was, once again, sitting alone for lunch. Everywhere I looked, I saw smiling faces and warm embraces greeting friends. I heard laughter of folks swapping stories of the mornings happenings. And while I was in a room of 300 people, I felt utterly alone. It occurred to me that I needed human contact. Real contact.

It sounded pitiful and needy in my head to admit that. I mean, I had met some folks and they were very nice but they were not fulfilling the role that I desperately needed. It got me thinking…. is there something about this human touch thing in the Bible? Um…yes!

In the New American Standard Bible, the word “touch” appears 132 times. “Forgiveness” only appears 20 times. And yet, we emphasize the need for forgiveness all of the time. Why don’t we ever emphasize the need for touch? The need for human contact in a loving and Christ-like way is talked about in some of Jesus’ most compassionate moments. In Mark 1:40-41, Jesus encounters a leper. Lepers were truly the outcasts of the day. People knew that you simply did not touch them or you would become “unclean” yourself. But when asked by the leper to heal him, Jesus said, “I am willing.” He could have easily healed this man without touching him. But the human touch was just as important in his healing as the grace of God. Jesus was filled with compassion and touched him. This type of simple gesture is repeated in Jesus’ ministry over and over again. Jesus was not afraid to touch.

So why are we?

In today’s technology-savvy world, more and more “relationships” are built around an electronic screen of some sort, whether a smart phone, tablet or computer. I am just as guilty as the next person of allowing a phone call go to voicemail and then texting later to respond. Why? Are we so afraid of physical touch or human contact? Are we really that busy or is it that we have built walls around our hearts and fear letting anyone get close enough to tear it down? What are we so afraid of letting another human see? God designed us to need touch. In fact, it is critical to our health-both emotional and physical. Babies need touch for their brains to develop and children need touch for their emotions to develop. Experts say appropriate touch has a profound effect on the brain’s programming and re-programming. But we are programming ourselves to deny ourselves this basic need, thus teaching our children the same things. Instead of board games, they play video games. Instead of letters, we write emails. The touch is disappearing.

Perhaps it’s time to become more intentional about making human contact to others. I know that I need it and I would be willing to bet that many of you do, too. Jesus knew the importance of it. It’s time we take our cues from Him and apply His ways to our ways. As I have studied the New Testament in seminary, I have picked up on things that I have missed or overlooked for years. This includes the human touch that they engaged in with each other. They hugged and kissed each other often; a tradition that is continued in many cultures today.

Getting back to my aloneness at the conference, I realize now that it has been by my choice to be alone there. I could have easily joined in any number of groups but it chose not to. Instead, I buried my head in my Kindle. I would rather be wrapped in my false security then step out in uncharted territory. Sad, isn’t it? I would go out on a ledge and say that I’m not the only one. So now my heart has been convicted to be more intentional. Whether it’s a hug, touch on the arm, pat on the back, touch is desperately needed. Jesus knew it. And we know it too.

As I challenge myself, I issue a challenge to you, too. The next time you are with friends, family or colleagues, be intentional in your human contact. Become the person who offers a hug, rather than waiting for one.

Heavenly Father, I need human touch just as I need your touch. Please help me to step out of my shell and offer the touch we all so desperately need. Amen.

In Flesh We Trust?

23 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by in 2 Chronicles, Confidence, faith, Pain, prayer

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“‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.’ And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.” 2 Chronicles 32:7-8 (NIV)

Gosh, I wish I were strong. I have often thought what it would be like to be strong, both physically and emotionally. I wouldn’t have to ask people for help all of the time. I see other women who are physically fit and I get a bit down. I listen to women with stories of courage and survival and I think I would have folded in such a situation. I know we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others but it is so easy to do that. It’s easy to just allow that little voice in the back of my mind to speak words of discouragement. Why is that? Why are those voices always so much clearer and impactful then positive words? Why do we allow ourselves to be chained to such negativity when we are made in the image of such a glorious God?

But these thoughts are true for my life – and probably for many of you, too. It is so much easier to focus on my weaknesses and inconsistencies then the positives. For most of my life, I’ve battled this. From the time I was a little girl I have felt just a bit inadequate. Just a bit on the outside looking in. These feelings frustrate me. I wear a mask of securities and find myself shrinking on the inside. I can lead someone to Christ for their healing but not depend on him for my own weaknesses in areas like over-eating or depression. Frustrating, isn’t it? Can you relate?

The other day I read 2 Chronicles 32: 7-8. It made me stop. How had I missed this story? It was like I was reading it for the first time. “Be strong and courageous.” I have heard that part of the verse many many times. But it is the rest of it that caused my heart to jump. “…there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is The Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” Oh my goodness!! “A greater power with us..!!” Do you realize what this is saying? I don’t have to focus on my weaknesses, even if others do. I am strong because God is within me! And you! I am ashamed to say that I completely forget that at times. I forget that God doesn’t pick or choose when He gives us strength. Nope. If we aren’t feeling His strength, it’s because we CHOOSE not to accept it. He gives it freely, all day every day! Did you hear that? God never leaves us. We leave Him. I’m ashamed to say that at times when things are most overwhelming, I try to rely on my own humanness instead of reaching for my Lord. Why do we do that? Why do we not scream out to God? There is no reason for any us to ever feel week or hopeless. And yet, don’t we all feel that way from time to time? Don’t we all feel inadequate and unsure of ourselves in certain situations? If you are like me, then the answer is yes.

Jeremiah 17:7 (NIV) says, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” I think that is the essence of my problem. I don’t always have the confidence I am supposed to have in God. I fear that He will forget about me so I have to do it myself. But He doesn’t work like that. He will be there as long as I seek Him. I have to learn to stop depending on my “flesh” as Hezekiah said, and rely completely on Him. My confidence in God is stronger then it was but not where it should be yet. What I can attest to is that for all the times I have completely submitted to God, I have experienced a source of strength and perseverance that I never could have experienced relying on my own flesh.

As you apply this to your life, ask yourself this question: How would your life be changed if you believed that God’s strength was living in you everyday, all day?

Lord, please forgive me for relying on my own flesh and humanness instead of solely on You. You have guaranteed your strength and grace through the spilled blood of Jesus Christ. Thank you for never leaving me even when I leave you. Convict my heart to never leave you again. Amen.